Did a little surfing down memory lane and came across an article that I contributed to a long time ago and forgot about. It was about TV viewing and what can be done to curb the amount of time watching it. (We've never been big television watchers. There's just so many other really fun things to do.) I'm glad to report the things I said yesterday (relatively speaking) are still valid today. You can see if you agree.

I haven't mentioned it but in August I started  teaching 5 classes a week of kindergarten art. Since I haven't taught in the school systems as a teacher I need to get an alternative teaching certificate. Which means more college classes. One of my classes' assignments required a lesson plan with a book and my content area (art). Art & Books are a great combination. I really enjoyed doing this lesson plan and thought I'd share it here. It has Missouri's educational standards but it still might be useful for a class or home activity. Share any feedback you have so that I can improve on it. 

Rotate and re-rotate them around. 

Hopefully, this little tip will help you. Go ahead. Grab a ziplock bag, add a few things in it, and put it in your purse. Done.

I do not know where people, religious people in particular, get this idea in parenting but it exists - If we do this (whatever it is) then we are guaranteed to get that (whatever is attached to this). Okay, I kinda do know where the idea comes from, religiously speaking. But, how did we start applying it to parenting? And in "apply it to parenthood" I mean - If I do 'this' then my kids will (guarantee) to do/get 'that'. By espousing that application we've created a parent trap - satisfaction guaranteed.

How do we know if we are in this trap? It's framed in our real lives something like this, "We've taught her/him better than that, this shouldn't be happening." Try this, "We've never done X in our home, how could (s)he get into that."  Or this, "We've gone to church every week, I don't know how this could happen."  If you've heard or said that, it's the snare of thinking that our efforts at being good or doing good as parents are somehow guarantees that our children will be good and do good. As parents we want an outcome (great kids) so bad that we walk willingly into this trap.The reality is that there are no guarantees in parenting. Let me repeat that -

Let that settle in a little.

That can be an overwhelming realization. Which is naturally followed by thoughts of "why bother", "what's the point" or "I can't win" in parenting. But that's just looking at the problem from one point of view. Albeit a compelling one. But, to truly know where you stand on something you've actually got to move around it a bit. Let's look at it from this angle - Knowing there are no guarantees of good kids gives you permission for freedom. This is kind of cerebral but I'll try my best to explain my thoughts. 

Now that we are released from the previous parent trap we can switch it around a little, get in a different mental position. What about this - "since nothing is guaranteed I am free to try whatever I think might bring about what I am hoping for." Or, "If I do this and it's not guaranteed to come out that way then I am free to try something else." If the "input" doesn't guarantee "output" then you are free to add other things, omit things, and be creative in what we bring to the parenting table.

For example: You want spirituality for your youth. You take them to church thinking that the action will "guarantee" spirituality. When you realize there are no guarantees from that act then you can add other ideas (like surrounding your child with spiritual friends, having one on one discussions about your spiritual journey, or give them instructions on how to personally pray) thus increasing the possibility, not the guarantee, of a spiritually strong youth.

It's not being good or doing good as a parent that's the problem. It's the unrealistic expectation that what you do guarantees what they will be. Now, that doesn't mean just give up on things that have been proven to give the greatest benefit to children. We always want to increase ours, and their chances at success. But, to unequivocally expect certain results, regardless, is a parent trap.

Here are 5 tips to help get past the trap and increase the likelihood of satisfaction.

1. Release yourself from the trap. Acknowledge that what you do may not produce what you want. There are no guarantees to parenting outcome. Free yourself from that thinking.

2. Release your child from being the maker for your parent satisfaction. Your child's behavior shouldn't be how you judge your efforts as a parent. Your parental expectations should be independent of their choices.

3. Do things from a different angle. Keep your eyes on what you think is helpful or needful for the child, not the intended outcome. Listen to your parenting instincts.

4. Don't let other's set the trap for you. Don't be held to someone else's expectations of "should", "shouldn't", "would" or "wouldn't". And don't succumb to the pressure of other's comments or criticism, instead, deliberately dictate the direction you want your parenting to take.

5. Be patient with yourself and your child. It takes time to get out of a trap. Sometimes we're wounded in the process of being trapped and it takes time to nurse and heal the wound. Take time to let the process happen.

All we get when we do something, is increase our chances of an outcome a bit. Add to the likelihood that something could happen. I know what I do doesn't guarantee satisfaction. And I'm good with that. 


Add another tip to keep out of this trap.

When my older children were young we decided to omit certain words from our family vocabulary. Words like "stupid" and "shut-up" we felt weren't respectful of each other and shouldn't be used toward each other. 

On one particular day I was frustrated with something and called it "stupid". Oh man, my children were indignant. They didn't differentiate between things and people and were convinced that my behavior didn't match up with our established expectations. And when they went to church the following Sunday they reported my bad behavior to their teachers - "my mom said the 's' word!" 

Luckily for me, I learned to control those words, even toward things, and their trust in me was restored. Though this may be minor on the scale of moral mishaps the idea of hypocrisy can be very destructive. Before we continue I like to define the critical words in the conversation so that we start out on the same terminology page, so to speak. 

To sum up, hypocrisy is practiced pretense. At times kids, teens in particular, have a real problem with their parents because of this practiced pretense or hypocrisy. Parents who don't act as they preach fall into this parent trap. The integrity trip-up, hypocrisy. And teens hate hypocrites! It doesn't have to be "major" deviations from professed piousness, minor detours will accomplish parental captivity. For those of religious belief, we automatically set ourselves up. We are preachers of something and when we fail at what we teach we are by definition hypocrites. 

On the other hand, there are many in popular culture who win approval of children for the very reason that they don't preach anything and therefore are never hypocrites. When they fail big time from the normal publicly approved standards they are easily forgiven for the fact that they never professed any allegiance to a moral compass.

The real problem for parents is never correcting and being released from the trap of hypocrisy. Living in a continual rhythm of righteous declarations while demonstrating regular conflicting deeds are mistakes that erode the relationship. For parents who love their children this is unacceptable.

When kids are critical of this behavior it is a call to action. The wonderful thing about children is that they are forgiving, especially when there are sincere efforts on the part of the offender. It is not a failing to act the hypocrite it is a failing to remain a hypocrite. It may take time but the relationship can be repaired. The best path is to recognize the deception and avoid it. But, if you fall into this parent trap here are a few suggestions to escape its clutch.

• discover the contrary hypocritical behavior to be changed
• determine that the offense is worth the efforts to change it
• dedicate yourself to living in harmony to your code of conduct
• declare your intentions of working to improve a behavior to others
• draw on the goodness in you, in others and the love of family
• devote your best energies to rectify your reputation
• don't underestimate the power of your example

     One of our family vacations included 2 vans with 19 people, 15 of which were people under the age of 18. We traveled across 4 states (6 in all) in 11 days, while staying at campsites, family homes, and rental houses. It was a sure recipe for high stress and insanity. But it was only mildly so. (You didn't expect no stress and insanity with a group like that, did you?) 

     Yesterday, I laid the foundation by defining family vacations, what they are and what their purpose is here. Today, I'll share ways to lessen the stress so you can keep the focus on the most important function of the family vacation. I attribute some of our success on that trip to the 5 Tips to Less Stress on a Family Vacation.

Lose the Routines but keep the Rules. 
     Routines are your regular, customary courses of the day. A morning routine might be something like this - a daughter unloads the dishwasher, a son makes the lunches, a dad cooks breakfast, and a mom gathers backpacks, coats, etc. Those are the typical tasks set up for the daily routine. But, the rule behind the routine that drives the action is - everyone contributes and helps move things along to the next thing. Rules are the principles behind the conduct and help to create conditions of order, understanding, and harmony. 
     Since the idea of family vacations are to be away from regular routines they are especially in need of rules. Everyone in the family might know what the routine is, because it's the action part of the day. But, it's important to establish and articulate the rules and reasons to the actions. That way your family knows what conduct is expected. Even on smooth running days, family members don't always do what they know they are supposed to do. On vacations, it's not really clear what is expected. If you apply the rule, like everyone contributes to move things along, then they know they should be looking for something to do and not just sit there waiting for parents to get it all together.

Do the Details
     "It's all in the details" is an idiom which means to consider all the information, down to the last, well, detail. When you're at home you can say, "we'll meet you at the park" or "pick up something from the store" and it's likely your family automatically knows where it is and what you meant. Being away from home is unfamiliar, especially if it's a first time visit to a place. On vacation, having the details, (who, when, where, how, why) help family and friends know what is going on, when it's going on, who's supposed to be there, where there is, how it's going to happen and what's needed to make it happen. 

     If you have events that you are going to or places you are going to visit have the phone numbers, addresses, maps, reservations, times, tickets, seating and website URL combined. If you have many people and many vehicles going to the same place, designate drivers and riders to specific cars. If you need to take food, clothes, towels, sleeping bags, or extras (inhalers, glasses, etc) to a given activity, list it. Whatever the activities, just mentally go through the process like you are actually doing it and list the pertinent details. Anticipate what someone might ask you, answer it on the list. Keep notes to add to it and the written details become a record to keep.

     Having all the information is not the same as sharing it. Make it accessible to others. Put everything in a book (we've called it a travel bible before), on a white board (everyone takes a photo of it with their phone's camera), or online. Post the plan where ever the info can be easily had by others. All this will cut down on the stress of forgotten things and people, as well as, the constant information, seeking questions. This puts you less in the middle of it and also helps other's ability to be informed. 

Skip the Schedule     
     Vacations should be fun. And sometimes fun means spontaneously rearranging the schedule or going with something not in the plan. This may seem counter intuitive with the last tip. But, doing the details actually helps with skipping the schedule. When a change is made, then you know what needs to be addressed because of the plan details. You can quickly make changes, cancel something, or know if you can add an extra without leaving some detail undone, some call unmade, or someone left hanging. And you can't just not plan anything, that's a formula for family vacation boredom. Having a plan with details, along with leaving yourself permission to skip the schedule makes for less stress and open for unexpected excitement.

Simplify Anything & Everything. 
     Vacations are meant to break from routine, be less complicated, take life easier. Simplify anything and everything you can for vacation by planning and packing with the idea of reducing your output of time and energy while in the middle of the family vacation. This takes more effort before you leave but lowers the level of stress from silly things like, "I can't find my socks!" to "I thought you knew how to get to Aunt Mae's." 

     Pre-vacation - pack outfits in labeled bags, attached with jewelry in smaller bags. Pack kid clothes with undies & socks folded inside tied with string. Everyone's special occasion clothes can be packed in one garment bag. All a meal's ingredients can be put in a box. First aid and Emergency kits restocked and left in the car. Maps and directions can be printed and put in a file. Add rest and food stops to the file as well. Reduce what bulk you take by putting games, books, music and interesting sight seeing information on a laptop. Pre-plan, put off, or auto respond blog posts, Facebook connecting, email responding and similar internet activities. 

     While on vacation, consider that this isn't the time to cook gourmet meals, or take on extra projects or make major detour stops. There's a temptation that since you're going to be somewhere that you might as well slip in that extra stop, or swing by those other family and friends, or add that one other activity. The family can be stressed out by the one extra thing. 

Goodies on the Go     
     I cannot overstate the attraction of getting a goody bag. The anticipation, attainment, and amazement can gladden slow moments and engage for long stretches of time.  Even adults become giddy over goody bags, except they call them by a more sophisticated name now, Swag Bags. 

     The bag's contents are never really expensive. The goodies can be toys, puzzles, how-to books (tricks, origami, beading, or jokes), mini games, flashcards, sketch books, magazines (beauty, ammo, cars, surfing, etc.), fiction, etch-a-sketch, music and the list can go on. I've used the Simplify Everything and Do the Details methods and put together goody bags and written the person's name on the outside and listed when they can have the bag. On long trips, I would do a morning, afternoon, and evening bag with the times that they could open them. I also gave a snack bag as part of the goodies. The snack bag obviously has snacks but it can be gotten into whenever they want. I usually give it in the morning and they can do with it how they please. But, when it's gone, it's gone for the day. Again, I label everything so that if it's lost in the mixup then they can easily figure out who's is who's. The beauty of Goodies on the Go are the benefits of creating less stress and more fun.

     Also, when getting these goodies together it makes me think of the individual. What the person likes, doesn't like, what they'd want to do or not do, basically thinking about what type of person they are. This helps me to start really thinking about them, examining who they are and understanding what I might do for them. This starts to create a bond by opening my mind and heart to them. This outgrowth of goody bags is the start to creating or strengthening a bond with that person. When the person receives the goodies that you have specifically picked out, with their personality in mind, then the attachment is made. 

Just prior to a vacation is a perfect time to start thinking about your family one on one, and open ideas to how the family vacation might be spent making the bond stronger. I've employed this Goodies on the Go mindset for trips as well as other times. It has served me, and my children, well on many occasions. (It's even served the Boyfriend on occasion as well, though he doesn't even know he's been swagged!) It's another invaluable tool in the Agent Parent's Arsenal. 

These 5 tips to less stress on family vacations has helped my family. I know because there are times that I haven't done them and there is a marked difference in our experience. Take the tips on your next family vacation.