Did a little surfing down memory lane and came across an article that I contributed to a long time ago and forgot about. It was about TV viewing and what can be done to curb the amount of time watching it. (We've never been big television watchers. There's just so many other really fun things to do.) I'm glad to report the things I said yesterday (relatively speaking) are still valid today. You can see if you agree.

A lot of times people get so emotional that they miss the mark about what the problem is. The real issue with this situation is that this teacher believed, and acted on the idea, that it was her RIGHT to tell these children. She decided that Teacher usurps Parent. Put another way, Teacher displaces, supplants, confiscates, or cuts out Parent. This is a  policy that is being perpetuated in some schools - teacher has more right than a parent to decide - on many issues like gender, sex, and religion. The problem with not seeing the core issue is that Parent then relinquishes, surrenders ands hands over their right to Teacher.

Rotate and re-rotate them around. 

Hopefully, this little tip will help you. Go ahead. Grab a ziplock bag, add a few things in it, and put it in your purse. Done.

When my older children were young we decided to omit certain words from our family vocabulary. Words like "stupid" and "shut-up" we felt weren't respectful of each other and shouldn't be used toward each other. 

On one particular day I was frustrated with something and called it "stupid". Oh man, my children were indignant. They didn't differentiate between things and people and were convinced that my behavior didn't match up with our established expectations. And when they went to church the following Sunday they reported my bad behavior to their teachers - "my mom said the 's' word!" 

Luckily for me, I learned to control those words, even toward things, and their trust in me was restored. Though this may be minor on the scale of moral mishaps the idea of hypocrisy can be very destructive. Before we continue I like to define the critical words in the conversation so that we start out on the same terminology page, so to speak. 

To sum up, hypocrisy is practiced pretense. At times kids, teens in particular, have a real problem with their parents because of this practiced pretense or hypocrisy. Parents who don't act as they preach fall into this parent trap. The integrity trip-up, hypocrisy. And teens hate hypocrites! It doesn't have to be "major" deviations from professed piousness, minor detours will accomplish parental captivity. For those of religious belief, we automatically set ourselves up. We are preachers of something and when we fail at what we teach we are by definition hypocrites. 

On the other hand, there are many in popular culture who win approval of children for the very reason that they don't preach anything and therefore are never hypocrites. When they fail big time from the normal publicly approved standards they are easily forgiven for the fact that they never professed any allegiance to a moral compass.

The real problem for parents is never correcting and being released from the trap of hypocrisy. Living in a continual rhythm of righteous declarations while demonstrating regular conflicting deeds are mistakes that erode the relationship. For parents who love their children this is unacceptable.

When kids are critical of this behavior it is a call to action. The wonderful thing about children is that they are forgiving, especially when there are sincere efforts on the part of the offender. It is not a failing to act the hypocrite it is a failing to remain a hypocrite. It may take time but the relationship can be repaired. The best path is to recognize the deception and avoid it. But, if you fall into this parent trap here are a few suggestions to escape its clutch.

• discover the contrary hypocritical behavior to be changed
• determine that the offense is worth the efforts to change it
• dedicate yourself to living in harmony to your code of conduct
• declare your intentions of working to improve a behavior to others
• draw on the goodness in you, in others and the love of family
• devote your best energies to rectify your reputation
• don't underestimate the power of your example

     One of our family vacations included 2 vans with 19 people, 15 of which were people under the age of 18. We traveled across 4 states (6 in all) in 11 days, while staying at campsites, family homes, and rental houses. It was a sure recipe for high stress and insanity. But it was only mildly so. (You didn't expect no stress and insanity with a group like that, did you?) 

     Yesterday, I laid the foundation by defining family vacations, what they are and what their purpose is here. Today, I'll share ways to lessen the stress so you can keep the focus on the most important function of the family vacation. I attribute some of our success on that trip to the 5 Tips to Less Stress on a Family Vacation.

Lose the Routines but keep the Rules. 
     Routines are your regular, customary courses of the day. A morning routine might be something like this - a daughter unloads the dishwasher, a son makes the lunches, a dad cooks breakfast, and a mom gathers backpacks, coats, etc. Those are the typical tasks set up for the daily routine. But, the rule behind the routine that drives the action is - everyone contributes and helps move things along to the next thing. Rules are the principles behind the conduct and help to create conditions of order, understanding, and harmony. 
     Since the idea of family vacations are to be away from regular routines they are especially in need of rules. Everyone in the family might know what the routine is, because it's the action part of the day. But, it's important to establish and articulate the rules and reasons to the actions. That way your family knows what conduct is expected. Even on smooth running days, family members don't always do what they know they are supposed to do. On vacations, it's not really clear what is expected. If you apply the rule, like everyone contributes to move things along, then they know they should be looking for something to do and not just sit there waiting for parents to get it all together.

Do the Details
     "It's all in the details" is an idiom which means to consider all the information, down to the last, well, detail. When you're at home you can say, "we'll meet you at the park" or "pick up something from the store" and it's likely your family automatically knows where it is and what you meant. Being away from home is unfamiliar, especially if it's a first time visit to a place. On vacation, having the details, (who, when, where, how, why) help family and friends know what is going on, when it's going on, who's supposed to be there, where there is, how it's going to happen and what's needed to make it happen. 

     If you have events that you are going to or places you are going to visit have the phone numbers, addresses, maps, reservations, times, tickets, seating and website URL combined. If you have many people and many vehicles going to the same place, designate drivers and riders to specific cars. If you need to take food, clothes, towels, sleeping bags, or extras (inhalers, glasses, etc) to a given activity, list it. Whatever the activities, just mentally go through the process like you are actually doing it and list the pertinent details. Anticipate what someone might ask you, answer it on the list. Keep notes to add to it and the written details become a record to keep.

     Having all the information is not the same as sharing it. Make it accessible to others. Put everything in a book (we've called it a travel bible before), on a white board (everyone takes a photo of it with their phone's camera), or online. Post the plan where ever the info can be easily had by others. All this will cut down on the stress of forgotten things and people, as well as, the constant information, seeking questions. This puts you less in the middle of it and also helps other's ability to be informed. 

Skip the Schedule     
     Vacations should be fun. And sometimes fun means spontaneously rearranging the schedule or going with something not in the plan. This may seem counter intuitive with the last tip. But, doing the details actually helps with skipping the schedule. When a change is made, then you know what needs to be addressed because of the plan details. You can quickly make changes, cancel something, or know if you can add an extra without leaving some detail undone, some call unmade, or someone left hanging. And you can't just not plan anything, that's a formula for family vacation boredom. Having a plan with details, along with leaving yourself permission to skip the schedule makes for less stress and open for unexpected excitement.

Simplify Anything & Everything. 
     Vacations are meant to break from routine, be less complicated, take life easier. Simplify anything and everything you can for vacation by planning and packing with the idea of reducing your output of time and energy while in the middle of the family vacation. This takes more effort before you leave but lowers the level of stress from silly things like, "I can't find my socks!" to "I thought you knew how to get to Aunt Mae's." 

     Pre-vacation - pack outfits in labeled bags, attached with jewelry in smaller bags. Pack kid clothes with undies & socks folded inside tied with string. Everyone's special occasion clothes can be packed in one garment bag. All a meal's ingredients can be put in a box. First aid and Emergency kits restocked and left in the car. Maps and directions can be printed and put in a file. Add rest and food stops to the file as well. Reduce what bulk you take by putting games, books, music and interesting sight seeing information on a laptop. Pre-plan, put off, or auto respond blog posts, Facebook connecting, email responding and similar internet activities. 

     While on vacation, consider that this isn't the time to cook gourmet meals, or take on extra projects or make major detour stops. There's a temptation that since you're going to be somewhere that you might as well slip in that extra stop, or swing by those other family and friends, or add that one other activity. The family can be stressed out by the one extra thing. 

Goodies on the Go     
     I cannot overstate the attraction of getting a goody bag. The anticipation, attainment, and amazement can gladden slow moments and engage for long stretches of time.  Even adults become giddy over goody bags, except they call them by a more sophisticated name now, Swag Bags. 

     The bag's contents are never really expensive. The goodies can be toys, puzzles, how-to books (tricks, origami, beading, or jokes), mini games, flashcards, sketch books, magazines (beauty, ammo, cars, surfing, etc.), fiction, etch-a-sketch, music and the list can go on. I've used the Simplify Everything and Do the Details methods and put together goody bags and written the person's name on the outside and listed when they can have the bag. On long trips, I would do a morning, afternoon, and evening bag with the times that they could open them. I also gave a snack bag as part of the goodies. The snack bag obviously has snacks but it can be gotten into whenever they want. I usually give it in the morning and they can do with it how they please. But, when it's gone, it's gone for the day. Again, I label everything so that if it's lost in the mixup then they can easily figure out who's is who's. The beauty of Goodies on the Go are the benefits of creating less stress and more fun.

     Also, when getting these goodies together it makes me think of the individual. What the person likes, doesn't like, what they'd want to do or not do, basically thinking about what type of person they are. This helps me to start really thinking about them, examining who they are and understanding what I might do for them. This starts to create a bond by opening my mind and heart to them. This outgrowth of goody bags is the start to creating or strengthening a bond with that person. When the person receives the goodies that you have specifically picked out, with their personality in mind, then the attachment is made. 

Just prior to a vacation is a perfect time to start thinking about your family one on one, and open ideas to how the family vacation might be spent making the bond stronger. I've employed this Goodies on the Go mindset for trips as well as other times. It has served me, and my children, well on many occasions. (It's even served the Boyfriend on occasion as well, though he doesn't even know he's been swagged!) It's another invaluable tool in the Agent Parent's Arsenal. 

These 5 tips to less stress on family vacations has helped my family. I know because there are times that I haven't done them and there is a marked difference in our experience. Take the tips on your next family vacation.

Family Vacations. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Not. 

Usually when I think family vacation, I don't think, ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Maybe it's me. We don't family vacation the "resort" way. You know, in a hotel, where other's cook the food, make the beds, clean the rooms when you're away and leave fresh towels. We've mostly camped to and from our destinations, or stayed with extended family and friends. I adore my friends and family, but since when is staying in someone else's house or a campsite a vacation for a mother? 

And really, is there such a thing as Family Vacation? A vacation is "a period of time devoted to pleasure, rest, or relaxation... suspending activities" according to thefreedictionary.com. It also says that family means,  "all members of a household... who have long-term commitments to each other". I think that vacations should also add, "being away from home" otherwise, it's a party, not a vacation. By definition, so far, a family vacation is long-term committed members of a household sharing a period of time, suspending regular routines away from home, devoted to pleasure, rest, or relaxation. "Family Vacation" seems like an oxymoron by that definition. Much of the time, a family with children isn't restful or relaxing. And some of what goes on with families is needful, helpful, and satisfying but not necessarily pleasurable. There's more to "family" vacations. 

Vacations are sometimes called "escapes" because of the pleasure seeking priority. We go on family vacations because of the people we're going with. Our intention is to be with them, not to escape them for the sake of pleasure. Those are different types of vacations. We want to strengthen our familial relationships, that's the point. With this in mind, family vacation can be define as long-term, committed members of a household sharing a period of time, suspending regular routines away from home, devoted to emotionally fortifying kinship through pleasure, rest, or relaxation.

Why define "family vacation" anyway? Because definitions help clarify the meaning of something, which in turn, helps in the carrying out of something. Understanding the real purpose at the beginning of a family vacation makes all the difference about how you feel at the end of the family vacation. The reason will help guide everything around picking, preparing, and the process of being together. 

It took me a while to get to the stage of enjoying family members on family vacations. It seems like an obvious distinction "family" vacation but in the family fray it was lost to me. Remembering that the whole point of the time together should be "devoted to emotionally fortifying kinship" guides me in a whole different way. A way that makes family vacations more awwwwwwwww than ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Watch for part 2 tomorrow.

My 14 year old son put on his first teen party a couple of weeks ago. Both he and I thought it was successful. But here are other comments, the ones that matter, for some Facebook social proof that it was indeed fun -  

     • G.E. "Awesome party, we need to do it again sometime." 
     • K. A. "Heck yes we do."
     • K.S. "I had fun at [his] party, he needs to do it again this month." 
     • S.W. "...this was an amazing party, thanks for inviting me." 
     • D.S. "Great party... you have to do it again sometime."     
     • J.F. "Easily the best party ever, I thank you and your parents." 

For a teen, putting on a party puts him/her in a vulnerable position. They are setting themselves up for judgement from their peers. That can be stressful, especially if you don't know what to do. Since my son's party turned out to be fun (and my other's children's parties as well) I thought I'd share some of the behind-the-scene party plan so that you and your teen can have confidence in putting on a party of your own. 

Invite small groups of friends but those groups don't have to be friends. This way the kids feel... 
     1) comfortable because they know someone else that is going to the party and can arrive together, 
     2) it's not a clique because it's not all one group and 
     3) they will have a chance to meet other kids that they my know by sight but have never had a chance to talk to or interact together.

Teach your teen how to host their guests. It doesn't have to feel formal but there are some formalities that will help their friends feel comfortable. They need to learn tips to be able to... 
     1) smile, and not be stressed but relaxed and enjoy the party, no one likes an uptight host or parents, 
     2) know how to introduce each other, tell them thanks for coming and that you're glad they're there, 
     3) carry the conversation, in the beginning, when there are not too many people (see photo below) and so they don't leave their friends in awkward silence.

It's a no brainer to have lots of food but ask other's to bring something they like. That way they will... 
     1) have one thing they for sure like at the party 
     2) it will make them feel 'invested' in the party and that they 'have' to go when they might feel a little nervous about going, 
     3) it helps with the cost, especially if your house turns into the "party house".

Once you get the kids there, you ought to have a loose plan of what will fill the time. 
     1) Music. There's bound to be silence in the beginning as guests arrive. Have some music playing so there isn't that awkward what-do-I-do-now silence and they panic. Don't judge a party by the first half hour.  
     2) Do. Have something for them to do - make food, Wii Just Dance®, swim, water games, etc. 
     3) Record. Put out cameras and video recorders for them to use and catch some of the action. They can replay, relive and laugh about it.

I'm not a big fan of unchaperoned teen parties. I, and other parents, feel a parent should be at the party the whole time. It helps...
     1) your kid avoid being put in an uncomfortable position because of your presence, you can do  a "pass-through" (walking through the room to do something) or "stand-a-few" (just coming in to stand and watch the game, movie, or whatever, for a few minutes, see the photo below) several times during the evening,  
     2) make other kids feel ok that if one of the other kids starts acting lame that the parent will come in and intervene somehow, 
     3) you get to know your kid's friends and they get to know you, and your kid might see that his/her friends think you're kinda cool for letting them have a party.

The first party is the hardest. The unknown always seems to be. But, putting on a party comes off much easier than you think. So don't be afraid. Try these 5 Teen Party Tips and put one on.

What other tips have worked for you and your teen?

Mini Methods • Well Fed: My kids are always "starving" when they get home. So I have made a habit to have food for them right when they get home. Sometimes it's dinner sometimes a snack. This serves a couple purposes. 

1) There is something mentally soothing to people when they walk in and smell something cooking. 
2) Hunger is a great motivator and they automatically know and are put at ease that they are going to eat. 

Their needs are met timely and they are more grateful for their food. It's not a perfect science but this is how I generally do it. Days I am going to be gone all day I put something in the dutch oven to be done when we all get home. Otherwise I either prep something in the morning or an hour before they're due home. On emergency days, something unexpected happens, those are cereal days. They don't get cereal often so they love this too.

This is my Basic Pattern for managing my kids - 
Well Fed + Well Rested + Well Moderated = Well Tempered
(temperament = an child's disposition and tendencies revealed in his/her reactions)
Well tempered children have developed habits of maintaining a self-controlled, calm character. 
Take one of those elements out of the equation and a child (or even teens and adults) 
are prone to crankiness, anger, and outbursts.  If they are continually revisiting their basic needs (because they are continually hungry, tired, or left unattended) it's tough for them to go to the next level and work at trying to master other social sensibilities (sharing, sadness, sacrifice) that we want them to learn. Meeting the Basic Pattern helps the child move forward in their self management of emotions. Next time something comes up with your kids 
see if the equation is adding up.

I read this comment and it made me think. First I was pleased. Then I got worried.

"We catch people's emotions the same way we catch colds. It's called Emotional Contagion. It's said that we become the average of the 5 people that we spend the most time with, that we associate with." 
Marci Shimoff, author - Happy for No Reason on the show The Big Idea

After reading this, I thought, Who are the 5 people that I "spend most of my time with, associate with"? That would be The Boyfriend and my 4 youngest children. I thought great, I like these people. Then I thought about it more and realized that 4/5 of the people I spend most of my time with are people who are 1) still developing themselves (learning to navigate life, going through frustrations, finding who they are...)  and 2) that I have a major part in the type of people they are becoming. Is it a (vicious?) circle? Do I create my own problems? It goes something like this -

A mother can enrich, encourage, embrace and educate. Or she can deplete, depress, defer and dumb down. Either way we are contagious. I just wonder now how much of my attitude I have brought upon myself through my 5 people. 

What do you think?